This is a topic that I’ve avoided, struggled with, and hid away for a while now. I kept quiet about it because I know full well the majority of the people I know, even the Pagans, Heathens, and Witches that I associate with, will think I am crazy or desperately seeking attention. I know this because I’ve seen how the community response to others who have said “I have/have had sex with a god.” I’ve seen them called attention-seekers, drama queens, wanting to look special, and “crazy as shithouse rats” (that last one was the most recent statement within the local Heathen community regarding godspouses).
So here I am, dealing with my insecurities and writing despite being outright uncomfortable. Why am I putting myself through this?
As with most of what I write whether its on religion, parenting, or even my works of fiction – I write because this is what I have looked for in the past. I sought out information about those who have relations with the gods and, thanks to my dear friend Lee Harrington, was pointed in the right direction. I read voraciously but I didn’t find any resources detailing exactly what I was going through. So I returned to the advice I was given in writing class – write what you want to read.
My First Time
My first intimate experience with a god was in 2012. I was in a phase of wanting to “collect” attunements. This sometimes happens with people after they receive their first attunement (for me it was in Reiki) and they become almost addicted to the feeling. I then got attuned to Sekhem, then Sekhmet Sekhem, etc. During this collection I was offered a free Anubis Energy Attunement. I accepted it without a moment’s hesitation.
At the time I worked predominantly in the nude before a candle-lit altar (all mystical sounding of course…I was dramatic then). I had a very strong experience with the attunement in which I was sitting before Anpu who was holding me by the shoulders while Dehuti (Thoth) was behind me tattooing symbols into my back with a stylus. After the attunement was finished, I felt buzzy and tired at the same time but nothing was abnormal. I grounded, ate some dinner with my husband, and went to bed.
That night I was visited by Anpu who was forceful and intimate. While I wasn’t asked for consent, I didn’t feel violated, only overwhelmed by the whole experience. When I woke, I was dazed. I told my husband and searched online for other who had the experience – found nothing. The few people I asked about it assumed it was “just a dream” and probably meant to be taken symbolically. Others said that it probably meant that Anpu was my patron deity and meant to work with. Neither of these explanations felt true to me. I felt alone and a little crazy.
My path winded down the spiral and my beliefs shifted and transformed. I became a handmaiden of Frigga who I turn to when I have questions now. While my first experience wasn’t forgotten, it became like many things that have happened to me in my religious life – an entry in my book of shadows to contemplate if/when I needed to.
Then I asked Frigga about the moon. I wanted to write for a publication regarding the moon, specifically about how some cultures view the moon as masculine and others see it as feminine. Like many of the Norse gods, there wasn’t much written on the moon god Mani and so I went to Frigga.
Frigga sat spinning the ancient runes and magic into the life of Midgard, smiling knowingly at me with a nod as I asked her. She then sent me, with few words, to Mani himself.
When I went to him, he was very gentle and very affectionate. This became my second encounter with a god that was sexual without any warning or intention on my part.
With Anpu I had been…for lack of better phrasing…rode hard and put up wet. I woke groggy and felt unnerved. With Mani it was completely different. I slept soundly and woke rested and could still feel his gentle caress on my neck and face.
However, after all was said and done, I felt both enlightened and confused.
My husband offered an explanation – that by being intimate with me, he was fully sharing himself so that I could have a better idea of who he was than any conversation or reading could give me – that this was a way the gods can convey information and teachings.
I think this makes sense but also find it strange that even though I am bisexual, I’ve only ever had these experiences with masculine deities.
Question of Consent
I emailed modern polytheist expert Galina Krasskova about my questions. I was nervous about emailing someone I didn’t know and look up to as a pagan and author but I felt like if I was going to ask someone, it was best to ask someone who knew what they were talking about.
My biggest question was about the fact that in both cases of this happening to me, I didn’t get any sort of consent question before hand or really any warning. Was this just the gods taking what they wanted or felt they deserved as gods?
Galina answered very succinctly:
“Consent is given, imo, when you approach the Gods. it’s not like you’re going to a frat party after al where a higher, holy Power is expected to ask at each step if this is ok. It doesn’t work that way. had you said “Stop” I suspect Mani would have done.”
This felt very true and made sense to me. I was glad I asked.